Been a while since I posted …

It’s been quite a while since I last write anything on here, mostly because all motivation has left me, I’m in a constant state of confusion, not just in the Sense that we all understand, but I’m so lost ….
I keep trying and trying to find a way out of this hole I’ve let myself fall into, but just can’t find how to do it. I started by doing the housework daily, it was hard, was in a lot of pain with migraines and such, but because of how broken I’ve been, no one has been really looking after the house, so I sorted and cleared out loads of bits and tidied and cleaned and got one room looking so much better, but within minutes, the family had left things just laying around and it looked no different, but I kept going, everyday I tidied and cleaned and watched them just leave everything laying around…… It threw me, oh I still do what I can, but the motivation to keep doing extra has gone, for some, you may think it’s me being lazy and oh how I wish that’s what it was, but it more a gut wrenching sadness that not only did no one realise that I was struggling to keep the place looking decent, while in agony, but they obviously didn’t care that much and that’s why they couldn’t bring themselves to do things like put dirty cups in dishwasher, clean table after eating, tidy away their smoking stuff and not leave it everywhere. I lost the fight and that’s what it feels like here, a constant battle!
I’ve tried to force myself to get dressed and style my hair, put makeup on, so I look normal, but it doesn’t last, something always happens and I think, why am I bothering? What’s the point ….

I am still not capable in seeing people, going out, that sort of thing, I go to all appointments, obviously, I want help, I hate being like this! But I panic when I attempt being out for other reasons, if I can keep my mind constantly occupied, I can just about ignore my surroundings, so long as nothing goes wrong, if it does, then I’m shaking, feeling sick, palpitations, hot, tears, mind blank, scared, it ain’t fun! So I avoid going anywhere if I can help it…

I have absolutely no one to talk to about how I’m feeling, either it stresses them, or I’m ignored, my friend no longer is as good a friend as she was, not sure if it’s a case of not being able to handle having me being depressed as her friend or if I’ve outlived my usefulness, it hurts, coz I would have been there for her and not a text once a month or two, but weekly, no matter how long it took and not just by text either, but then, that’s me …. But the point is, I have all this pain emotionally inside me, all this confusion and nobody to help me with it, which is why I’m posting, it may not really make sense, it may at times read like a jumbled mess, but I just need to get some of it out of my head, even if I get no help from it, I just need to cos sometimes, I feel like I’m going crazy and it ain’t even funny ….

So, after months and months of nothing and no help, I finally saw the psychiatrist for consultation and he put me on fluoxetine, which is what I was on a few years ago when I hit bottom. I still have no idea why my GP couldn’t have put me on this before now and it kind of angers me to be honest, because potentially I could have been getting better by now. The last time I was on the med, it didn’t take the apparent 2 weeks that they mention it’ll take to start feeling a change, oh no ….. more like a few months before you feel  something resembling stable, I remember that I would still have down days, but then personally I think only extremely lucky people go through life not experiencing them, so that’s still kind of normal right? but I just remember having the ability to get out of bed in the morning and face the day, I was able to work, make friends and socialise. That’s what I’m hoping to achieve, not this person I am now, this shell, hollow, achingly painful, miserable shell that I’ve become.

There’s days that I just want to scream, not at people, but just scream. I feel so full inside, each problem and issue, each hurtful word or reaction to me, each time my words or presence is ignored, fills me to the brim and I feel like I could burst, so i want to scream, to let it out, which I can’t, because any show/act of depression stresses and frustrates my fiance and gets him down, so I have to keep it all inside me. Problem with that though, is that when you hold all this inside, not being able to even talk to anyone about the pain you feel, is that it pulls me down further, my thoughts end up on the very bad side, I can’t shut my mind off, My body is stiff, my migraines get worse, my fists are clenched, or tapping (anxiety) and I want to screeeeeeeeeeeam!!!!!!!!!!! it’s either that or I’d end up causing pain and I’m trying so so hard not to

So, i’m sure you can tell, i’m really not doing so well right now, everything is so messed up and with so may let downs and unreliablity, I have nothing that I can hold onto that is safe and stable. Personally I think that when your having problems with depression, you do really need something or someone who gives safe and stable, that’s your support, all the help in the world isn’t going to actually be any help if it’s not stable, if that makes sense. I guess it’s like, if you were to need to cross a river and found a boat, but while making your way across found it had lots of little holes in the bottom and it was slowly letting water in as you rowed, as much as it’s great to have that boat to keep you dry, it’s not really going to help you in the end, because your still going to get wet and possibly drown ………