Where im currently at emotionally and more

I’m stuck in limbo, although that should mean that there is no change, emotionally I am a complete mess most of the time, but limbo because im getting no better in any area

Because I have had such trouble trying to get my migraines sorted (wont get into that here though) I am still in pain 24/7 and it’s still on the upper end of the scale

I will soon no longer taking any medication for my depression, this is because nothing so far has done any good and my GP wants to give my body a rest from meds, which I agree with! seriously whats the point in taking them when they don’t help anyway

The reason for my emotional state, most of the time is exactly the same, if not worse at times, unfortunately It isn’t something I can control and I am unable to stick up for myself, due to the backlash that I get if I speak up (emotional, not physical) so I try not to say anything and only do if I have absolutely no choice. I have no voice and still wonder sometimes if the words I hear actually leave my mouth, I am ignored and made to feel like I’m nothing, which only reaffirms how I already feel about myself

There has been a complete mess up with any counseling … my GP originally referred me, but due to a very bad day on Mothers Day, decided that I am definitely not ready for CBT (which I knew anyway, but have trouble speaking at the surgery due to anxiety being so bad) so was told to cancel the CBT and he was contacting the mental health team asap for me, 3 or 4 weeks later, not sure which, I hadn’t heard from them and so my GP contacted them again as he was concerned, seeing as he’d got onto them because he was worried about my safety. eventually they got in touch, although even that was a mess, what with wrong phone numbers on the letter and then just after I received the letter stating id get a phone call, I received another one with an appointment, which confused everyone, but eventually I went to see them, worse couple hours emotionally for a long time, I was almost in tears just sitting in the waiting room, because there was other people in there and then the whole having to talk etc in the appointment was horrible, I shook, I trembled, I cried, what an idiot! at least that’s what I kept thinking about myself … but I got through it, was honest with them and answered all their questions, although didn’t add to them …. but at the end they say the don’t offer counseling and how it was good that my GP had referred me onto a counselor, but that was cancelled, so now I’m sitting there totally confused … if they don’t help in that way, why am I there? obviously I don’t voice this other than to say that I was told to cancel the CBT appointment, she says that CBT would be no good for me at the moment and that I need counseling, she says I should speak to my GP. She did however say that they may be able to help with my anxiety and they will meet at the beginning of the following week and she’ll contact me asap, another 3 weeks pass and still haven’t heard anything so I explain this to my GP and he says that apparently they were waiting to find out what was happening with the medication and he’d get in touch with them again, over a week later he calls to say that they will be doing some work with me and I should expect a call maybe on Monday, it’s now Wednesday and I got the letter today to say that I have an appointment for June 10th (the delay is due to waiting list) this is for my anxiety, I still am not getting help with my emotional state, but to be honest, how can they help me? if the cause which although has been ok for a few days, if it continues, then I will still have trouble coping emotionally ….. I still feel I have no voice and am too scared to speak out about what upsets me. But if they can help with my issue of being around people, then maybe I can get out a bit more, away from it all, as I think space is needed, but I cant give myself that space and I cant push the issue where it needs as I’m just ignored.

I now take a book with me to every doctors appointment, where I write how I feel, emotionally, physically, along with any issues I have with lack of other appointments etc. this way I can just pass him the book and he reads everything and I’m able to get my point across, I found this is the only way I can let him know exactly how I feel and what I may be thinking.