I’m not sure if anti social is how you’d categorise me, it’s not that I don’t want to be able to socialise! Not at all… I’ve always had a huge issue with talking and meeting people, since I was I think 13, I can’t instigate a conversation, no way! My confidence in my ability to entertain, is zilch, that isn’t something that I have acquired from being depressed.
I envy people who can talk to anyone, or just randomly come out with things, chat to someone they don’t know, or, erm do know sometimes
I’m a one worded answer girl …. Unless I write it, then I ramble
But since hitting the bottom this time, it’s far worse! I can’t go out, because I can’t face seeing people I might know…
Recently me and my fiancé were in the GP waiting room for my appointment and I’m sitting there, head down, hands clasped together, wishing the doctor would hurry and call me in (knuckles white) trying to stop the shaking, when my other half says to me, is that Jo over there, I look up and yes, it was her, so that’s it, I’m now a total mess, I want to get up and hide in the toilet or around the corner, but if I do, it’ll bring attention to me and she’ll likely see me. So the shakes get worse and no amount of clenching my hands together controls it, my heart starts pounding, I’m close to tears, I want to get up and leave, but I can’t! I feel trapped and can’t work out why the hell he told me someone I knew was in the room, when I’m petrified of seeing people, so avoid where they go.
We finally get called in and I almost run in the room… I end up breaking down in tears and have to admit to the doctor exactly why!
Next case was recently I went out, because of putting on weight, I was in desperate need of clothing! So I make myself go out, on my own (that way I can rush around, not talk, not have to worry about keeping people happy) but I couldn’t remember how to get to a shop! I ended up cutting my trip short and coming home. I’ve not even been at the front door since then and I am back to not getting dressed
It’s all totally throwing me and I’m having a hard time getting my fiancé (who is a sociable person and talks to people with ease) to understand why or just that I can’t face people
So I’m blogging it, I’m joining forums, I’m feeling so very alone and not coping too well
Am I anti social? Or is he right and I’m agoraphobic? I don’t think so, I just think I’m a mess