Emotionally hurting more today
I wasn’t going to write these sorts of posts, it wasn’t the reason for the whole blog!
I wanted to make this blog just to put it all down in writing what put me where I am today, what I’ve done to try to get better and what I am still doing. The next posts I expected to write was either, that the mirtazapine was doing some good, or that I was attempting another med, or even that I’d given the whole CBT another try, coz to be honest, I know that I need help in changing the way I think, even if I think it’s too late to change something that’s this deeply ingrained into me, I want to care less about what people think of me and be a more confident person!
But … I’m sitting here in my kitchen, I’ve been up for a few hours and was doing ok until just a minute ago and now the big black cloud is smothering me!!!! I just want to break down again, each day I hold on by a fragile thread and as have mentioned to my GP, can only just about cope when things run smoothly, which I know the average person feels too, but where as usually an average person will get angry at the source, or will down for a bit, I’m feeling the anger, but it’s turning inwards, I feel a deep urge to scream, to cry, to dig my nails in and squeeze all the anger out! … I see it, it’s like a desperate need, every fibre of my being is straining towards getting rid of the hurt I feel right now emotionally, my body is tensing to get me past this need. Irrational or not, it doesn’t matter, it’s there and it pulls me, tugs at me and I can’t shake it!
I’m sure that if you reading this, there will be many of you who think that, my reason, is nothing to be upset over, it’s a small thing and people go through far worse each day, my answer is, I know that there are people far worse off than me, people who are currently going through hell, but it doesn’t make my pain any less, it doesn’t stop me wanting an end, I feel deeply for all who are going through sad or evil things and although I don’t know them, I wish I could help. But pain, emotional pain, still hurts and when it keeps being built on all the time, life just doesn’t seem worth the effort.
So quick background: previously mentioned, I have been whittled away to a nothing, a nobody, invisible. Hitting rock bottom for the second time last August. My fiancé had been treating me with such disregard, that I really felt like I was nothing, I was ignored, talked down to, all these things. I have told him, repeatedly and it was him that made me see the GP, although I tried to say that meds wouldn’t work, they only work for people who have experienced an event, if what has hit them emotionally, is continuing, then they are pointless (IMO) but I went anyway. Unfortunately, things haven’t really been any better, I’ve tried to tell him over and over, even emailed because its impossible to tell him how he makes me feel. he is now on anti depressants aswell, I believe it’s because of me constantly telling him how I’m feeling, but he says he wants me to say it and asks what’s up when I’m looking miserable! So what am I suppose to do? I have tried to keep it all in and suffer in silence, but apart from it causing me more pain, he complains that I’m not communicating, if I tell him, he gets down!
So the other day, before he got up, he asks if I want him to come downstairs, I asked him to explain (I’ve been having a particularly bad time, with my migraines, depression and his treatment) so he says that’s it’s how he feels at the moment, that I am not making him feel like I want him around. I told him I don’t know how he’d feel that, I’ve been having a hard time with how he’d been with me and I asked, what do I do? Do I tell you how I’m feeling and why, or do I hold it all inside and suffer in silence, because I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, either way, he’ll be upset by it and I don’t want to cause him pain. He said I don’t know. After that, I decided that although its always me putting the effort into the relationship and because I obviously don’t want to upset him, each morning, before he gets out of bed (I’m always awake before him) and before there is a chance for me to be upset by anything extra, I would text him, just to say that I loved him and that I hoped the day would be ok. Each day I have done this, he has responded with the same, but today, just 3 days of sending this text, I send it, he gets up, i haven’t had reply, he gets a few minutes of stuff done, i haven’t had a reply, he goes to the toilet (sorry TMI) and is there a while, he’s a man, my dad used to take a while, anyway, he comes out the toilet and sends response, so I say to him that that took a while for him to send reply, his answer was … That he was going to send it after he checked his FB, but there was a lot on there to read… WTH … So I’m sitting there thinking, great, FB more important than replying to my text. Yet again, I am putting effort into not just our relationship, but to make sure I don’t upset him, so why don’t I deserve the same curtesy? He gets annoyed with me when I tell him that I feel like I’m a nobody, a nothing, invisible, yet he does things like this while he knows I’m already fragile!!!!
Sorry to post this, sorry to rant, I wouldn’t have done, but I needed to stop myself from getting it out in other ways!