Ok ………. me and my depression

Like i said, I started getting down around 13 years old and I know most teenagers are depressed, or are at least finding most things difficult to handle, so I know now and yes, I knew then that I wasn’t alone and I wasnt the only one going though it, being a teenager is really hard at times! just the whole managing to get through school and trying to keep friends who all want things from you, without really giving in return, then there’s the boyfriends who being boys, don’t really understand that girls, from a very young age, fall in love at the drop of a hat and will give their heart and soul, will doing everything and anything they can to keep that one guy who they believe is the one. or at least it used to be, remember I’m 39, so getting on a bit now, so much has changed and even the girls are just as bad as the guys now and to be honest, who can can blame them eh?

But I seem to be getting a bit off topic, which I have a tendency to do often …………. my kids im sure will or would if I was to let them read this, which I wont, but im sure they would be the first to say that I can go on a bit, or a lot! I do try not to, but there always seems so much to say to get my point across, I mean, if I was to go saying what I need, short, sharp and sweet, then the next thing, it’d get taken the wrong way and all hell would break loose, so my rambling is to avoid any issues.

Now although I am not going to go into details as to what caused my depression, I will quickly highlight the causes and before I start getting hating comments from people because there are people far worse off than me, let me just say that when suffering depression and especially being at your lowest point, you know that there are people worse off than you, people who are dying or have lost their children, which is THE worse thing that I believe anybody could go through, whether the child is a day old or years old, it’s your child, they should outlive you! (sorry, rambling again) right, ok, I think I’m rambling to save putting it out there, I may have a couple of friends, well at least one friend who knows the whole lot, but, well …………. right, ok, yeah I know i said it already, I’m stalling .. ok, it’s a plaster, i’m going to just rip it off quickly and be done with it (deep breaths) between the ages of around 13 and 16/17 I experienced, repeated beatings from my boyfriend, possesivness to the point of couldn’t look in male direction and had to be careful if I even spoke to his dad, I only got out of that relationship because he set his sights on someone else, as each attempt had him either banging on my door and refusing to leave and then because he drove, refusing to stop the car to let me out until I said I would stay with him, I was also beaten up by my father and stepmother both at the same time because when I put my hands up to shield myself from her hitting me, she stumbled backwards, curled in a ball being punched in the face repeatedly by my dad and repeatedly in the stomach by my stepmother, until her daughter came in the room, actually thought he’d broken my jaw though, as I couldn’t move it for a very long time after, I went through one attempted rape by a so-called male friend and a few of his friends, although I was the only female with them, I had assumed I was friends with them as we hang around together and the main culprit actually and a thing for my sister, I was extremely lucky that night and I do thank my lucky stars that they had all been drinking and obviously I’d not touched a drop. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, their faces, their voices, him trying to undo his belt while I struggled against the hold his friends had on me, while I was crying and screaming to be let go and if i let if slip into my mind, then it hits me bigtime. Then the usual things like being bullied at school, the kids used to be like in groups, friend groups and you could guarantee you would get at least one of then in a lesson every single day, another so-called best friend bullied me, it just goes on and on the bullying, so no need to continue.

Then at the age of 20, I have my first Son, now that was a happy moment, Oh how i loved him, well still do, that hasn’t changed even if he has, but anyway things weren’t too too bad to start with, with his dad. I think the problems started when i had my twins, Luke, my eldest was almost 3 and his dad had no time at all for him, he just didn’t want to know and if he got in his dads way, like when he was playing Playstation, luke would get shouted at, when his brothers were all over their dad play fighting and luke tried to join in, he’d get thrown across the room. I spent so much time trying to keep him out of the way and I know it was wrong and I hate myself for it and if I could go back, I would do so many things differently! well ……….. the kids continued to suffer because of their dad, luke was being hit by him, one time I’d threatened him with social services. when the relationship was over, I let him stay in the house until he found somewhere to live, he was with us another month. so now onto the next few years

Age 28 onwards, because I want to cut it shorter. quick bullet points, well kind of …….through court, I was accused of kidnapping my kids, he had everybody in my road reporting back to him, he got people online to befriend my to find out information he could use against me in court, my friends, or who I thought were, actually told him things to use against me. all this time he is verbally abusing me, in the street, while im out, at my front door, shouting obscenities, he told my kids that I was a lesbian and a prostitute, I mean it was awful. my weight dropped right down to 7st 11lb and a healthy weight for me it seems is a little over 9 stone. then it got worse, i found out that he was abusing the kids, verbally emotionally and physically, he had done countless out of order and sick things to them, but luckily not sexually ………….. I documented everything, and fought in court, he lost visual contact and the kids started to relax a bit, more so when we moved away! …………… life was a but better for a while, until 6 years ago, we had a dog, a lovely dog, but he was aggressive to my fiance, when he actually attacked him and it was plain it wasnt safe anymore, the choice had to be made to have him put down, however my fiance refused to be there during it and I was made to handle the whole experience alone, I cannot go into any detail because it pains me, but he was healthy and he looked at me the whole time as if to say, why!!!! why are you doing it and because he was a very large dog, he had to be injected repeatedly and it was a very scary harrowing ordeal for him, which made is horrendous for me. but I was made to do this alone!

Now id gone through I feel a fair amount and id got down and low and depressed, but that pushed me right down, I ended up on fluoxetine and I wasnt my life to end. I wouldn’t end it because of the kids and would never put them through that, but each day I woke, I hated it, I was on the meds for over 2 years before I was allowed to come off them!

That was I believe 6 years ago, and then last year I hit rock bottom again, only this time, it wasnt because of an event, but because of how I was being treated by my fiance, I had been whittled down to nothing and as I suffer chronic migraines aswell, I was trying to battle the daily pain and keep my head up through the constant sarcasm and disregard, that it got to the stage where I couldn’t emotionally take it anymore, so now im back on anti depressents, unfortunately there’s a problem as im on meds for migraines so can’t take fluoxetine because of interactions with it and am finding myself sensitive to the new ones ive been given and that they don’t work. plus the treatment at home is still continuing, but im a little stuck because my fiance is now also on anti depressents. I have to suffer in silence and the disregard and being ignored and have spent the last 3 days a mess.

My next post will be about the medications I have been given and the problems I’ve had

If you actually managed to get this far, then thank you for reading, but please, if you have to comment, which your free to do, i ask that if you wish to attack me for the fact that there are others worse off than me, trust me i know, but it doesn’t stop me feeling the way i do and if you have read the whole thing because like me, you also suffer this awful illness, then i would like to offer a cyber hug and say that if you are alone and need to talk, contact me and if i’m able to, i will try to be there for you, because no-one should be alone and definatily not depressed